BREAKING: New Virus Discovered in MGCNLCA

[This is an April Fool’s article, please regard with tomfoolery in mind]

Scientists at the National Epidemic Research Department (NERD) have recently discovered a new virus that shares many traits with COVID-19. While similar in transmission, its effects differ from traditional viruses as it does not cause the host to die or be harmed directly. 

This new virus was first documented at a private school in Bonifacio Global City called MGC New Life Christian Academy (MGCNLCA). It has been named “SCISEC-25” by the scientific community, as patient zero originated from the members of the Science Section of Lifenews, the school paper.

As of now, the effects of the virus seem to be a shift in the psychological state and physical appearance of the person affected. During short-term exposure (around one to two hours), the subject affected by the virus showed mild changes in attitude and appearance, such as an increase in “squeakiness” level and pitch of voice, repeatedly uttering the phrase “Umm, actually” while occasionally pointing the index finger upwards, and correcting others’ mistakes in the fields of science, technology, engineering, and mathematics. In most cases, the symptoms subside one to two days after exposure. 

On the other hand, long-term exposure can have permanent effects on the patient. Following 24 hours of constant exposure, the symptoms often spiral into the person developing an unnatural obsession with discussing organic chemistry; incessantly researching molecular biology; gaining a slouched, anorexic, and pale physical appearance; contracting a severe contact allergy to the plant family Poaceae (otherwise known as grass) and the UV rays of the sun; and abnormally utilizing verbose language in normal conversation despite having no prior knowledge of such vocabulary.

Regarding the prevalence of the virus within the section and its effects on their health and well-being, Lifenews Science Section Editor Nathan Hao declared, “To date, I have not observed any deleterious impacts of the virus affecting individuals within our section. Similarly, my observations have not revealed any adverse effects on our members. Given the preeminence of cognitive acumen within the science section, our discourse remains consistent with the established paradigms of intellectual exchange.” 

Although the search for a vaccine remains tentative, several treatment methods have shown promise in clinical trials. Doctors recommend working out, playing sports, going for a walk, and other physical activities indicative of someone with a life as effective means to strengthen the immune system against SCISEC-25. 

Members of the Science Section are currently utilizing these methods to avert some of the most severe symptoms of the disease. Still, for the time being, a complete cure has yet to be found, and mild symptoms such as incessant correction and a higher-pitched voice remain common within the section. These often lead to secondary complications such as a lack of charisma and an absence of aura, which severely hamper the infected’s quality of life and relationships, especially those of a romantic nature.

In the end, we can only hope for a better tomorrow, one in which the SCISEC-25 virus will never plague our halls ever again. 

Sources:

Me

Myself

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